My brain is not broken
The picture here was the evening I celebrated my 30th birthday, at home, surrounded by family, friends and loved ones... Two days before this was taken, I'd had a full-on breakdown whilst eating dinner in the most luxurious 5-star Spa Hotel... to such a point where I'd had to return to our room and the chef brought my dinner to me...
This was nearly five years ago, I weighed 7 stone 11 and only two months after this, I was signed off work sick for panic disorder and depression.
To most, this picture shows me happy, smiling, looking beautiful and slim. To me, it reminds me of my darkest days; I was a bag of bones and in the worst moments, I believed the world would be better off without me in it.
Anybody who's close to me knows I've had my ups and downs mentally since my teens. I have dealt with anxiety, panic and depression, on and off for years - undiagnosed until I was about 21 - when I had a major panic attack whilst on holiday with friends. Late 2014 - early 2015 was when it hit an almighty high (or should I say low point?) It used to be so hard to talk about this; to be so open and frank about a subject so personal, but I've realised that by opening up about my own struggles, others have felt more comfortable acknowledging theirs.
I've had counselling (NHS funded and private), I've taken various types of medication, on and off, and I pretty much own a library of self-help books. For years, I wished to not suffer with anxiety. My prayers every night would be to just wake up and 'be normal' - for it all to be over. I developed a hatred against it - the feelings, the thoughts, myself.... it went on. Would I ever be well again?
I researched. I read, I listened, I asked. I've always been a bit of a determined bugger - not taking no for an answer and dealing this was no different. I could've sat back and allowed my illness to control my life; and it did at times. There were plenty of occasions we'd cancel nights out with friends, a weekend away would turn into a weekend in our hotel room and excuses would be made for me to just be on my own, at home, alone. But I'm a warrior, and along with finding yoga and all the benefits of breathing, mind-body connection, I put in the work to find out how to deal with this monster.
The biggest turning point? Acceptance. Instead of fighting against it, go with it - literally go with the flow.
And that's the main reason for this blog post - I AM GRATEFUL FOR MY STRUGGLES. I have changed as a person because of my mental health. I am kinder and more considerate. I judge less and accept more - from myself and others. The obsessive, perfectionist in me has subsided and I am calmer in situations that would previously have brought out my inner psycho. I don't get stressed over minor obstacles, I understand there are things I have no control over and I can recognise when I need to take time out.
I am thankful for how my challenges have helped others; by sharing my own experiences and methods used to overcome them, I have provided much needed guidance and support for other people going through the same.
Without my mental health issues, I wouldn't have found Yoga. I wouldn't have uncovered a hidden desire to educate and teach and I wouldn't have ignited a passion. I wouldn't have discovered the tools to overcome anxiety and depression whenever it rears its ugly head again (and I assure you, it will.)
Through my challenges, I have found my calling; to inspire and facilitate others through movement, to create safe spaces and a supportive community and to prove that any obstacle can be overcome - physical or mental. I am so fortunate to call this a job, to actually be paid by others for this service and to be surrounded by students and friends who give me so much more than I could ever give them.
I am grateful that from my illness, I have found strength, self-belief and the courage to express all of this in a written article.
And if there's anything in the above that resonates with you, feel free to hit me up.....
Love and smiles, Kate xx